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So here goes nothing! This is my very first ever daily blog post! I can feel the inspiration calling me to just give in, let go, write with the flow but most of all.. don’t think too hard! To begin, I would like to first discuss today’s opportunities to learn and grow. What I mean by that is I want to explore where I felt challenged and why. I have often been feeling as though I’m on an emotional roller coaster and today is no exception.
It was only 3 hours ago that I was feeling on top of the world as I walked through the forest. I created a new game today to help me get into a high vibrational or good feeling place. I call this game “ABCs with I Am statements”. With this game I would declare out loud what I Am, starting with each letter of the alphabet. Luckily no one was around because on top of that I was umm…hugging trees…heh… I believe they give off a certain kind of special energy mmkay?… I can only imagine what kind of looks I would have got if people saw!
“I Am Amazing, I Am Abundance, I Am Absolutely killing it, I Am Brave, I Am Beautiful, I Am a Beautiful soul, I Am Clear minded, I Am feeling Clarity, I Am…I Am…I Am…”
Then after doing a bit of this out of nowhere I saw a group of white tailed deer in the forest. The universe delivered! I had tears in my eyes as I realized just how quickly life reflected the statement “I Am abundance” back to me. In fact, I was abundant with several cardinals too. Then there was the very first flower of the forest popping out of the ground. It was a beautiful and magical walk.
Afterwards I came home and had a pleasant dinner with my family. But then I remembered I had a call with a designer I hired scheduled soon after. Rang him up… no answer. Rang him up again, no answer. “Hmm weird…” so I e-mailed him…. You guessed it, no answer. And now I feel negative emotions starting to creep in more and more. Why? Well I already know there are several things wrapped into that. At the top of the list though we have: 1) an irrational, yet pervasive fear of being scammed, especially from someone off the internet, and 2) irritation from seeing someone not honour their commitments. The first part sounds a bit like a fear of being out of control. The second sounds like I was triggered by some baggage I carry from how I noticed an ex-boyfriend would behave. Interesting.
So what was my response? Well naturally I called him only 200 more times at 20 minute intervals until I FINALLY got through. Sure there was some staring to keep my cool, but earlier I set the intention to be kind and collaborative. Now after writing a bit about this I feel the energy has significantly dissipated. However, in full transparency, I also did my usual coping habits: 1) grabbed more food to eat (distraction #1), and 2) turned on my phone to look up some inconsequential news (distraction numero 2). So what news has my attention now? Oh the same thing that has a lot of our attention lately. The “Will Smith Slap” heard across the world (still can’t believe it happened, but even more so I can’t believe how much this event caught my attention and the attention of everyone else too…a topic to explore another day).
But I know that whether I am scammed or not, or whether people break their commitments or not, I’ll be fine either way. That is not at all a good excuse to feel bad, there never really is such an excuse. But perhaps even saying that is a little harsh. What I want to say to myself is a lot more compassionate, “it’s okay to feel this way. I was feeling out of control, irritated and triggered.” In my body I noticed that I felt tense in my throat and heart area. But I know that right now I can be patient and stay present in this moment and in this very moment I am writing. Also, I can wait on my designer for a time that’s better for him. Who knows what is happening on his end? I myself am in no rush. It is pretty unlikely that I am being scammed since there is so much communication so far, but even if I was, it’s not the end of the world. I can adapt and learn and grow no matter what condition life brings. I have this power. My intention now with all this pent up energy is to just take a few deep big breaths and exhale all that tension out.
What’s interesting to me is that I often say I’m not afraid to die, so what makes being scammed so much scarier? It’s a lot like Jerry Seinfeld’s joke about how statistically at a funeral more people are afraid of giving the eulogy than being in the casket.
I will end my first ever entry to say that this was an interesting experience observing myself. It feels much like a scientist making observations on her test subject. Tomorrow I will explore more about this emotional roller coaster I seem to be caught on. Thanks for reading, sending out love to you!
… UPDATE (later in the evening). It’s a nope. Still harbouring feelings of anger, fear and a sense of out-of-control about the situation. He said he would text me back a few minutes after our call with a time to reschedule, but no text cometh. I knew as he was saying it that it was an empty promise but I didn’t want to be too pushy. What happened to all the “I am in no rush” or “I can adapt no matter what condition life brings??” All out the window it seems. Why didn’t that truly change the way I feel about it? The answer I hear intuitively is “because you have already practiced the other way of seeing things for so long now, you have already trained yourself on that subject”.
Hmm, so what can I do right now? Keep practicing? It’s an OPPORTUNITY. A learning opportunity to train my vibration and thoughts around situations such as this. Again I am going to sit here for a good 3 minutes talking myself into how I want to feel about this situation (basically everything above). On the timer, here goes. Okay done. Not bad. Feeling a bit better. That’s all I got in me for today. I’m rather proud of myself actually. Feels good to put things into practice…for REAL. Makes me wonder why I haven’t done this long ago? It’s going to take more time, more practice, but this is a bona fide start. Until tomorrow… thanks for reading and sending out love to you!
